Monday, January 31, 2005


February's eve

As another full-blown week has started, I spend a bit of time divorcing myself from the details of this fleeting enterprise. I ponder and stroll about the grounds of my homestead and as you may well know, to ponder and stroll at the same time takes pure circus-act talent. But here it is, “last day in January, February’s eve,” as a great urban poet once put it. And what do we have to show for this year? Why must we show anything? Who is looking that we feel the need to show?

Well, let’s move on and hope that people come to their senses. Hell, maybe they should come to my senses. Maybe the government should do a census and count the number of people who need to come to their senses. Or is all that moot? And just why is the word moot so underused when, in fact, more things are, by definition, moot, than they are important.

Regardless of all this, our program this week has much promise. We re-welcome Crystal One Radio (after difficulties marred our debut last week) and we welcome Radio X.

In the meantime, smile and head into February, a month that was once referred to as “the second month of the year.”

Friday, January 28, 2005


The sound and the mental fury

The sound issues for our program have been solved ten fold, unless you want to fold it even more than ten times. Our thanks to Stonewall (real first name) Metriculous for his analog solution to a digital problem. From here on in, guests over the phone will be heard and not seen.

It dawned on me the other day, oddly enough dawning on me at sunset, that if Leonardo Di Vinici could, at the same time, draw with one hand and write with the other, that he would today be an Internet porn addict. As thoughts like this rush through my consciousness and dreams of mirth and frivolity flood my unconscious, I must hit the road for the weekend.

If you have a chance, come see me perform. I will be doing one-man shows at Huntz Hall on Saturday and Fawn Hall on Sunday.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


Let's get on with it

Some questions to be addressed on the Jan. 27 Chronicles include –

Why is Ringo Starr crying out loud?
What can you do about people who hate you on National Friendship Week?
Is Snoop Dogg afraid of ghosts?
Who is John Clancy and why are his nuts so popular?
Who in Brooklyn, New York, has my old telephone number?
A very famous, very dead indie artist, is celebrated.

All this and more, more or less, that is.

9 p.m. EST Thursdays

Monday, January 24, 2005


This is the week that was

I waited and waited but no one from the mainstream media called to ask me my thoughts on the late Johnny Carson. When I worked at a program that was taping in a studio down the hall from The Tonight Show soundstage, I saw Mr. Carson many times. He would drive to work in his own car, like any ordinary shlep and he would park it in a space that had a sign in the front that read: JOHNNY CARSON.

I saw Mr. Carson a number of times in the flesh, so you can imagine how disappointed I became when no one from the mainstream media called me. They could have asked me how he parked his car or how he was dressed when he arrived at the studio. None of the celebrities talking about the great late-night personality even mentioned Carson's parking or his dress code for arriving at work.

Then, just when I was about to get over it, I got a call from an internet radio station operator who said the mainstream media called The Des to comment about Carson’s death. Well, I thought, what can I expect from a country where most of the people are all excited about a bunch of men jacked up on drugs knocking each other down for a ball that doesn’t even roll right?

I am sorry to hear Mr. Carson died. I will talk about it—if I don’t die—on my year end show in 2005. It is too early to promote that, so let’s just start the week out hoping no one else dies.

Except terrorists. They should die and often want to. And child molesters. They are the lowest form of humans and should die.

Maybe there are others too, who deserve, this week, to go to Abraham’s bosom, Davy Jones’ locker, into the fertilizer business, to their last account, the bone ground, the bone garden, the City of Forever Peace, the summer lands, the spawn pit, headstone gallery, Kavorkian's trophy case, the last plantation, Mother Nature’s acres, Necrophiliacs' singles club, the No Brain Hotel, Night's Plutonian shore or whatever they call it. But not Carson, not now. Not while Donald Trump is still around. I think someone “up there” made a terrible mistake.

Remember this: There is no Johnny Carson Ate My Balls website. That's gotta mean something.

Friday, January 21, 2005


Sound advice

We apologize to the audience and to the guest, Big Bob, for some sound problems with the phone interview in our Jan. 20 program. It was new hardware put to use and should not have failed. Our crack team of production men, headed by Earl Bendwire, is now looking into the problems. Earl’s immediate analysis is that the output was too low. He has had a meeting already with output specialist Beany McVendor, who was quick to mention that when a voice over the phone is too low, few people on the other end can hear it.

Our ancient methods of presenting phone guests are now in question. We need to address the problem. One suggestion for addressing was to use 657 Hawtmerger Avenue. However, we doubt if the problem will receive much mail or need a place to park its car, so we will take another perspective. We will prevail, though, over the technological challenge facing all inexpensive ‘net broadcasts when it comes to having guests via phone. Also, the Firthwill 3000-KX system that failed on Jan. 20 is being sent back to the Firthwill & Gladstone Company with an ugly note of disappointment, that note smeared with dried, sticky jelly.

The remainder of the program is sound-perfect, so don't be discouraged. We will have Mr. Big Bob on again when our phone problems are rectified, if not fixed. Nothing left now but to say have a great weekend and remember to ask a friend, relative or passing stranger about "Clancy's nuts" and email me at with what you find out.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Motherboard's little helper

9 p.m. EST Thursdays

Welcome new affiliates, The Wolf Radio and Indie Artist Radio. Both are re-broadcasting Chronicles. Check their web sites (list above) for time and the weather in their area as well as their great programming schedule.

On the Jan. 20 show, listeners will hear Big Bob, a man who knows his way around a computer, some say, better than a crocodile in a tub of cooked oatmeal. His weekly program on ‘net radio helps tons of people (yes, we have weighed his audience) and on our show he may tell us the secrets of the motherboard.

Some other things are planned but things can change and often do change, so surprise topics, guests and even an epiphany or two might be expected. Your Thursday night entertainment agenda is not complete unless you get the beverage of your choice, launch your browser (nothing personal, there) and prepare to walk, stroll, run, saunter, skip and wander down the Hallelujah Trail.

And for those of you who feel me or my show threatens your mental health, visit the Sandstorm Institute for Finer, Healthier Mental and Spiritual Existence. Ask for Dr. Hal Morebones. He will help you settle those fiery emotions and the angst you are experiencing from any connection to the host of this show.

Monday, January 17, 2005


Around the 'Globes'

Just got back from the Golden Globe ceremony. There are still parties going on over there on the left coast (how cool is that phrase?). Some people cannot get enough celebrating. Me, I stop after the third bottle of Johnny Walker Red and the fifth injection of smack.

What a gas it was watching Jamie Foxx do the rest of his Ray Charles imitation when he was blind drunk. It made me miss the days when William Frawley used to run up and down the aisles of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion shouting, “Desi is queer!”

Mick Jagger sure looked a lot younger than 70 last night, even though he was dressed like he was 60. Scientists say Mick’s sperm will be potent even if Mick lives to be over 100. I said to him, “Hey ole leather face, you sure have some great DNA.” Mick responded in his best cockney accent, which no one could translate. Speaking of looking young, I said to Leonardo DiCaprio, “You know you still look 10.” He dropped his draws and showed me his naked front and said, “You wanna see 10, look at this!”

William Shatner’s career just refuses to end, eh? I said to him, “Bill, you are resilient,” and he said, “I think Robert Blake is innocent.” I thought Teri Hatcher’s victory would give us all a chance to take a free look under her dress but she was still charging 10 cents for that.

While a bit drunk, Glenn Close admitted to me that her name is really Glenn Nearby. Jason Bateman said that kids did not call him Master Bateman. He said only his parents called him that. Later in the evening Clint Eastwood and Warren Beatty hugged and broke a few of each other’s ribs.

I hope to have another Hollywood report after the Oscars ceremony.

Friday, January 14, 2005


Means to no end, yet

''It is never to be forgotten that we are in the presence of the human character the most magnificently endowed, in all time . . . so that of him, inevitably, it goes hardest with us to be told that we have nothing, or next to nothing.''

Sure, I wish that was written about me, but what the hell. Goes to show you, though, that as the weekend approaches, the dreams and illusions of our minds and hearts rise to the top like cream and, well, yeah, scum rises to the top too, but I was trying to be positive here.

Lots of people are trying to convince lots of other people that the current natural catastrophes occurring around the globe are signs of the world’s end. I want to rid you all of such anxiety, if you were leaning in the direction of believing those people. Unless your front lawn is filled with frogs from the most recent rainfall, plan for tomorrow. In fact, start thinking about a summer vacation. And don’t worry about going to places where there have been major natural catastrophes. The odds are now in favor of good weather.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, January 13, 2005


'...tonight won't be just any night ...'

9 p.m. EST Thursdays

Jan. 13 and now that the fog is lifting it can reveal only one gleaming highlight for today—Cotolo Chronicles.

Radio 306 Dot Com and the IRC network get aboard with this show. Also, as promised, a reading from my popular novel that takes place in Saskatoon (home of Radio 306). Yes, the first gripping page from Of Moose and Men.

But the show will orbit around a phone interview with Julia Solis, our special guest who is taking time out of a busy schedule to make a rare media appearance.

Anyone wishing to hang out casually before the network rolls can come to at 8 p.m. EST for cocktails and casual talk with me and some of my staff. Or just check in at 9 p.m. when we launch the program that has become so popular that NASA employees are required to listen to it and take notes.

News, information, conversation and insubordination will all be available on this week’s trip down the Hallelujah Trail. Be listenin’ for ya, buckaroos.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


Julia poised to speak; Stillworth very still now

When the Jan. 13 Chronicles hits the cyber waves, our broadcast will be available in more places than you can snap a whip on a Ferris wheel. Radio 306 Dot Com joins the live stream, as does any station wishing to pick up the show as a rebroadcast from IAR Networks. We welcome all new stations and their dedicated audiences.

What a great time to join the network, since our scheduled guest is a cherished catch on any show, no less an Internet show. Julia Solis will talk about her books, her photography and art as a way of life. I am more excited than a blowfish in a twine factory about talking with her but I am even more excited that she will share this conversation with all of our listeners (that’s right, everyone who listens can share).

Everyone connected to Chronicles thanks Rob Stillworth for the recent piece he wrote about our show (it will be released on the web, in print and elsewhere soon, we are told). Mr. Stillworth writes that Chronicles “lifts the new medium over the heads of most who merely dabble in broadcasting, as it is now presented with the new technology.” He also writes that the host “is aggressive with a powerful stance, defining his positions clearly and with enough humor to make a listener understand he is not full of himself or drowning in his own self-importance.”

Stillworth died shortly after he wrote the piece but thank the fates he managed to edit and send it off to his publishers before the unfortunate accident (a piano fell from a fifth-story window as Stillworth sauntered by below; most people thought pianos were not moved in this manner any longer and so did Stillworth; however, they are and he was crushed). Our sympathy goes out to the three whores Stillworth lived with and his brother, currently on Death Row in Illinois.

Monday, January 10, 2005


Events to look for this week

Coming this week on Chronicles and other things:

Monday: This blog details what is coming this week on Chronicles and other things. In the state of Washington, melted snow is everywhere and many people in Seattle are starting to call it “water.”

Tuesday: Scientists now realize that the “T” in the beginning of the word “tsunami” is still missing from the horrific incident and urge news organizations to spell the word starting with an “s” in all reports.

Wednesday: A group of Americans forms with the goal of diminishing the use of the phrase, “Yada, yada, yada,” so as to return to the original phrase it replaced—“Blah, blah, blah.” The group hopes to take it to the Supreme Court if necessary and if the judges there agree to wear nothing under their robes for the hearing. In Seattle, it is confirmed that the melted snow is water.

Thursday: Julia Solis is the awaited guest on Cotolo Chronicles. She will be live on the phone (because we would not accept to do the interview if she was in any other state of being) around 9:30 EST. A meteor passes Earth a mere 45,000 miles away. However, what scientists are more concerned about is that when the meteor passed it was transmitting a strange sound that is being interpreted as Mel Torme singing his version of Caberet.

Friday: Nothing of consequence goes on anywhere.

Friday, January 07, 2005


Be on the lookout for a large man with antlers

9 p.m. EST Thursdays

Yup, as the weekend unleashes its mighty power, one more station joins the network. Talk about power, how about a station known as "Nuke," huh? Welcome Denver, Colorado. How the hell does anyone breathe that high in the air?

Have a great weekend and remember that Julia Solis is the guest on Jan. 13 and if you miss this show you must be in need of medication.

Don't forget that if you need to find out the meaning of anything, go to . I know you may have many questions this weekend and will be seeking the meat of meaning. Go there.

More weekend advice -- If you bet football, good luck. If you hike in the mountains, don't fall. If you blend dangerous fuel elements, don't smoke near the mixing machine. Don't take your pet bull into a china shop. Look into the mirror and give yourself a good talking to. Stay clear of elastic that might snap into your eye. Hug a cripple.

Thursday, January 06, 2005


A new station and our classic broadcast qualities

9 p.m. EST Thursdays

Join me in welcoming Radio 306 Dot Com to the network this evening as Cotolo Chronicles begins its 2005 run, walk, crawl, saunter, pounce or whatever movement you feel it makes. Rich Embury, owner and program director of the new affliate, hails from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. As fate would have it, one of this planet’s finest places, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, is the setting for one of my most popular novels, Of Moose and Men. I will read from some of that cherished on a show soon. Stay tuned.

There may be some surprise guests on the Jan. 6 show, so don’t hesitate to expect a surprise or two. Topics will vary, but the motives for two hours are the usual, simple few. Remember, these are strange and historic times and what you hear at this show and others is more than entertainment. This is the proving ground of an entire medium. This is the beginning of a frontier settlement. This is the place where giants step upon men with wigs.

All you need is a beverage to replenish your precious bodily fluids, an ear or two (listening with one ear is allowed and often suggested as the best way to listen) and the will to survive. Leave the rest to the crew and host of Cotolo Chronicles.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Coming soon, confirming later

Chronicles is gearing up for some big guest shows, one of which features the magnificent artist, Julia Solis. On Jan. 13, Ms. Solis will be on the phone live to talk about her art and all things art-related. Peruse the web sites and just to get a glimpse of her marvelous, important works. Don’t miss this conversation. It could change your life, which, let's face it, needs some attention.

Other guests in January are now being confirmed. When they are confirmed, the blog will confirm the confirmation so you can confirm your commitment to listen. You may wish to visit your eyes-ears-nose-and-throat specialist first to be sure you are running on all cylinders and able to hear without obstruction.

For a list of some people who will not be on the show this year or any, please write to us and send a SASE for a reply. That list will not be posted in this blog for fear of becoming involved in lawsuits with the parties listed. It is a rumor, we confirm, that Witlowe Summerbath will be taking over the show in 2006. I mean, really, Summerbath Chronicles? What kind of name is that?

Check this blog tomorrow and the day after for news on the Jan. 6 program. If your computer crashes, call a friend, ask him or her to check the blog for you. Should the two of you feel having sex is necessary first, by all means, go for it. If you become ill and need immediate attention, just get better by Thursday night at 9 p.m. EST and find a working computer.

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