Sunday, March 19, 2006


Chemical compulsion?

GRANTVILLE, Penn. -- There are reports that "medical researchers are investigating suspicions that drugs prescribed to treat Parkinson's disease could turn patients into compulsive gamblers."

Scientists are betting that there is a strong association between pathological gambling and the drug Dopamine. "It's 5-2 or better that this connection exists," said Prof. Rusty "Odds Line" Mendo.

Dopamine is a chemical produced by the human body that plays a major role in the way the brain controls the body's movements. A shortage can cause Parkinson's disease or periodic ballet movements (PBM). Dopamine is also associated with addictive behaviors such as drug use and pleasurable experiences such as sex and food.

"And," said Professor Iggy "The Book" Salzo, "this could mean the poysen [sic] would wanna do much stuff that is fun, which ain't so bad."

Right now, though (check for your local time), no definite links have been made between dopamine and compulsive gambling. Still, a few patients have filed lawsuits against drug manufacturers.

"I can't stop playin' poker," said a man who filed suit. "And then when I'm playing, I do pirouettes and blow the hand. I never did that before dopamine."

Pharmaceutical firms are considering warning labels such as: "This drug can cause undesired desires that are pleasurable but could affect the patients finances or cause a rash from sexual contact with vegetables."

"There is still no scientific consensus," said Lefty "Righty" Spandacino, a businessman in the parking lot of a Nevada casino, "and if it turns out to be true, you might find that Parkinson's patients turn out to be better at craps."

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