Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Celebrations a-plenty
Here are some days of celebration to look forward to this month.
February 4 is Create A Vacuum Day
Each year, hundreds of people are injured attempting to celebrate this holiday. Best thing to do is to not take it literally and just go through your normal thinking processes. That should satisfy the creation of a vacuum.
February 6 is Lame Duck Day
Best thing to do is have a big, unhealthy breakfast, get a rifle and shoot a duck in its legs. Spend the rest of the day watching it waddle around, quaking to be put out of its misery.
February 8 is Kite Flying Day
You will need a wind for this holiday, which must have been founded by someone Down Under. Who plays with a kite in the winter?
February 13 is Get A Different Name Day
I love this holiday and you should too. You go around in public telling people made-up names. I just think of them off the top of my head. “Hello, I am Puberty D. Hornsmack” and “How ya doin’? My name is Fendol Abraham Smackbutton.”
February 16 is Do A Grouch A Favor Day
Find a miserable soul, a curmudgeon (we all know a few) and ask if there is anything you can do for him or her. Expect criticism and a negative attitude, but remember that Kick A Grouch In The Face Day is coming soon.
February 20 is Hoodie Hoo Day
Don’t confuse this with Hoopa Day and Hippity Hop To The Barber Shop Day. Make sure your hoodie hoo is sparkling and available to be fondled.
February 23 is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
Most people don’t realize how delicious these canine cookies can be, especially when dunked in Starbucks’ Italian blend. Great thing about them is you don’t have to prove you own a dog to buy and enjoy them.
February 28 is Public Sleeping Day
The trick today is identifying people who are awake, since most of the time people are walking around like herding zombies, unaware of anything, responsive to nothing and happy to wave to a fellow conservative and say, “Isn’t Jesus beautiful?”
February 4 is Create A Vacuum Day
Each year, hundreds of people are injured attempting to celebrate this holiday. Best thing to do is to not take it literally and just go through your normal thinking processes. That should satisfy the creation of a vacuum.
February 6 is Lame Duck Day
Best thing to do is have a big, unhealthy breakfast, get a rifle and shoot a duck in its legs. Spend the rest of the day watching it waddle around, quaking to be put out of its misery.
February 8 is Kite Flying Day
You will need a wind for this holiday, which must have been founded by someone Down Under. Who plays with a kite in the winter?
February 13 is Get A Different Name Day
I love this holiday and you should too. You go around in public telling people made-up names. I just think of them off the top of my head. “Hello, I am Puberty D. Hornsmack” and “How ya doin’? My name is Fendol Abraham Smackbutton.”
February 16 is Do A Grouch A Favor Day
Find a miserable soul, a curmudgeon (we all know a few) and ask if there is anything you can do for him or her. Expect criticism and a negative attitude, but remember that Kick A Grouch In The Face Day is coming soon.
February 20 is Hoodie Hoo Day
Don’t confuse this with Hoopa Day and Hippity Hop To The Barber Shop Day. Make sure your hoodie hoo is sparkling and available to be fondled.
February 23 is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
Most people don’t realize how delicious these canine cookies can be, especially when dunked in Starbucks’ Italian blend. Great thing about them is you don’t have to prove you own a dog to buy and enjoy them.
February 28 is Public Sleeping Day
The trick today is identifying people who are awake, since most of the time people are walking around like herding zombies, unaware of anything, responsive to nothing and happy to wave to a fellow conservative and say, “Isn’t Jesus beautiful?”
