Cotolo Chronicles

All things will remain unequal, even in theories that begin, “all things being equal.”

The phrase “don’t go there” will not be used any longer when English-speaking people all over the world begin to go there in droves.

Most electrical appliances will still not be available in wind-up versions.

Exercising will go out of style.

A federal test will be required to claim a person has created an “intellectual property.”

The first man in recorded history will become an island.

There will be hurricanes, earthquakes and tornadoes in areas where such atmospheric conditions apply. Some people won’t be careful and die.

The death penalty will be abolished. Slavery, however, will become law again and companies selling butlers and maids will soar in stock prices.

Salve will become a household item once more.

A distinguished world leader will die, either at the hands of an assassin or by some illness he has been fighting for a few years or suddenly from a heart attack or a stroke.

Scientists will discover that it just may be as it is in the phrase, "Be that as it may."

Buddha will return from the dead and make a public statement that he has done so by spending thousands of years trying to perfect the three-day resurrection trick that Jesus did. Jesus will then return to earth as a lawyer and sue Buddha for libel. What will ensue is the trial of the century. It will last for forty years. See next year’s predictions to follow the story.

Here's to you and yours in 2005 from Cotolo Chronicles

Today, I was going to devote this blog to Benedict Arnold. His name has become associated with treason and disloyalty like no other name in history. This guy sold out our country and even more than Guy Falks in England, Benedict Arnold represents the whole concept of being a traitor.

But, I decided not to spend time writing about Benedict Arnold, the rat bastard. Instead I thought I would praise heroes. Then I thought how boring that is, really. So to hell with heroes and villains and long live our endless pursuit of that which we earn and aspire to become. Yes, you know what I mean, especially as the year ends. All we can become will not matter unless we hold our heads up and cast a long and winding shadow across the corners of the world, if not our own neighborhood.

Yes, so we count down the hours until 2005 is our new year and we hope that some time within the days of the upcoming year we can look at one another and say, "What were we thinking?" and come to the right decisions. What else do we have, if not our freedom, our angst, our common ground, our works-in-progress, our enemies, our contrasts, our delivery men, our cue tips, our daily bread, our weekly loaves, our monthly wheat? Right. Nothing. We are nothing, and forever may others be even less. So, this title quotes the immortal words of Van Dyke Parks. What could be more fitting? Certainly not your hat.

Now, onto 2005. Watch for our special predictions later this week.

COTOLO CHRONICLES
9 p.m. EST Thursdays
http://www.Ampcast.com
http://www.kjagradio.com
http://www.kubcradio.com
http://www.indiemusicxchange.com
http://www.planetradio.us
http://www.jiggyjaguar.com
http://www.shoutcast.com
http://radio1.onsrn.com
http://www.podcast.net
http://www.talkjockeys.com

Soliloquy -- A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character talks to himself or herself or reveals his or her thoughts.

Could there be a better description of Cotolo Chronicles? The program is listed on www.podcast.org as a soliloquy and I agree, believe it or not, in that categorization. Even though I do not talk to myself, I sure am talking to myself as a solo flyer, like Lindburg in that plane, eating that sandwitch he brought along.

Yes, and others will follow, you shall see.

Meanwhile, thanks to Ian Clay, Podders everywhere are downloading and listening to the latest program. And more and more stations ask to simulcast and rebroadcast the show. Not because of me. Nope. Because the message is the medium, baby. Don’t miss another episode and catch up with your iPod or at the archives at http://www.ampcast.com/chronicles .

Our Dec. 23 show in its entirety--meaning all of it without edits--is available for download at http://www.ampcast.com/chronicles and to your personal iPod (you know how to get it if you got one).

Also, as promised, the audio/video played on the program can be experienced at the following link -- http://www.miggy.net/multimedia/preacher.htm ... you will not be disappointed. Straightfoward Robert Tilton videos are available at his website -- http://www.successinlife.tv/webcast.html . These are sans the gas but are fine representations of a master manipulator of the belief system and a brilliant song-and-dance broadcaster.

Don't forget those special candles. Buy them at www.burnone.scent-team.com .

Happy holidays to all races, colors, creeds and long live the young and the innocent.

COTOLO CHRONICLES
9 p.m. EST, Thursday
http://www.Ampcast.com
http://www.kjagradio.com
http://www.kubcradio.com
http://www.indiemusicxchange.com
http://www.planetradio.us
http://radio1.onsrn.com
http://www.talkjockeys.com

If you believe in peanut butter you gotta believe in Peter Pan. So goes the commercial saying, which this time of year makes as much sense as any saying since believing is what it is all about. So … what do you believe in and why? It is the perfect season to wake up and smell the evergreens.

On Chronicles this Dec. 23, find out how gas bags make believers out of us all and how you can tell the difference between the big mouths who try to suck the life out of you and the song and dance of the true charismatic magician.

All this, a seasonal celebration, as C-Chronicles drives you to the brink of 2004 with the year’s penultimate program.

Here are my answers to the fifteen questions that are being sent to everyone who has an email address on Christmas week.

1. Favorite Christmas song?
Camel Ye Faithfull.
2. Ham or turkey?
Death to them both.
3. Ever had roasted chestnuts?
Yes, from a vendor in New York City who picked his nose when giving you change for a dollar.
4. Favorite Christmas cartoon?
Bang The Little Drummer Boy Slowly.
5. Open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Which is which again?
6. Best Christmas ever?
That one in the manger.
7. Favorite pie?
Guy named Thom, lives in New England.
8. Cookies or carrots for Santa and his reindeer?
Celebrex.
9. Fireplace for stockings?
Yeah, with the feet still in 'em.
10. What time do you get up Christmas morning?
Every year it is different. One year I got up at 4 a.m. because I had to vomit. Another year I got up late because I was alone and it didn't matter. I wouldn't have been alone, but the bitch left while I was asleep and made it another in a series of terrible one-night stands.
11. Garland or Icicles?
Judy in the sky with frozen ears.
12. Real or artificial tree?
Real tree, fake decorations.
13. Candy canes or fruitcake?
Let's leave your family out of this.
14. Ever had a white Christmas?
Once when we lived in Tennessee. Those crackers are boring folk.
15. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Crawling Eye

I have been keeping a close watch on the traffic from this blog. Statistics are being captured, numbers are being crunched, demographics are being developed and most of all, apathy is growing. Look, no one really goes to personal blogs, that's why this one is devoted to the chronicles of our times, as seen through the eyes of me, the man whose name adorns the title of the web broadcasting program that is also the title of this blog.

After a week of study, we know a few things now. First, no man has ever climbed a major mountain without the use of special gloves. Next, two out of every three people who visit this blog are apt to develop an allergy. And our most complex question--If Johnny traveled five miles on a train and Lenore rode ten miles on her bike in the same direction, how many pounds of apples went more than fifty miles an hour north of the city?--has been answered.

Now, as far as this week goes, more information about the program will appear in this blog in the upcoming days. If our demographic changes and the numbers of viewers of this blog increase, we will be forced to shut down the entire operation. Still, we ensue in our promise that by next April we will have grown the country's first crop of winter corn.

"Great show last night," one listener wrote to me about the Dec. 16 program.
"Piece of crap, as usual," wrote another listener who continues to listen although he or she calls every week's show crap.
"I had a good time," wrote another listener.
"I had a bad time," wrote another listener.
All in all, sounds like mixed reviews but what the hell. If I could please everyone I would be a motivational speaker and have a private jet and go by the name of "Tony."

There is no more to report about my proposed autobiography, other than to mention the three professional hit men who I knew have contacted me about being in the book. They offered fake names I should use when writing about them. I told them I didn't know if they would be in the book and they said they would or else I could never use the men's room at Denny's safely again. So, I will have to consider doing a chapter or so on Snakes Mulligan, Pepe Le Whack and Muscles Minestrone.

I hope you all have a fine weekend and continue to digest all food with no incident.

COTOLO CHRONICLES
9 p.m. EST, Thursday
http://www.Ampcast.com
http://www.kjagradio.com
http://www.indieradiolive.com
http://www.kubcradio.com
http://www.indiemusicxchange.com
http://www.planetradio.us
http://radio1.onsrn.com
http://www.talkjockeys.com

The Dec. 16, Cotolo Chronicles hits the cyber airwaves again, at 9 p.m. EST. It is a dangerous night to tune in, because there could be a mob scene and that could lead to a riot. This could be the first web broadcast that results in injuries.

Tension has been building between the Chronicles’ host and members of the web community. It seems the BSUYAC (Blow Sunshine Up Your Ass Crowd) is becoming extremely upset with the host’s insisting that indies are polluting the atmosphere with rotten music, terrible use of the English language and ego-driven motivations.

A spokesman for the BSUYAC said today, “The [Cotolo] negativity is pushing buttons that no one needs pushed. He is knocking down our idols and raping our dreams with dark and realistic opinions. We don’t stand for that or anything real. He must be stopped!”

So, on the Dec. 16 program, those offended by recent comments made my the host will either boycott the show or find a way to terrorize it. This could lead to bloodshed, if not more crocodile tears.

You will tune in to the Dec. 16 Cotolo Chronicles, then, at your own risk.

Since the possibility of writing a biography came up, I have been reading a lot of biographies and autobiographies. The first thing I noticed is that an autobiography is a biography written by the person who the book is about. A biography is written about someone by a person who has nothing to do with the subject’s life. Or does, but isn't that person.

Lots of people don’t know that some very famous people never wrote autobiographies. Jim Nabors, for instance. Nor did Sir Cedric Hardwicke, Andy Devine or Sidney Fields. A shocker, right? I found biographies by people I wouldn’t imagine anyone ever wrote about. Like Peter Cooper, the man behind Jell-O. And Marion Donovan, who invented the modern disposable diaper.

Of course there were biographies written about notorious people. Dictators, arsonists, serial killers, terrorists, thieves and con artists have been the subjects of many books. Here, too, there were few autobiographies, save the one written by Ozal Turgut, “friendly dictator” of Turkey from 1983 to 1989 and president from 1989 to 1993. I found his autobiography, though oddly enough it was co-written with Lorne Greene.

I read a few autobiographies and noticed the abusive use of the word “I” in all of them. It made me wonder if I should write an autobiography in the third person.

Recently, out of the blue, I was called by an old friend of mine who has a friend who has a cousin who works for a publishing company that is currently interested in biography material. My friend, whose identity will remain a secret, if not anonymous (I will call him Kim, because it is a name that could be the name of a guy or a girl, thus covering each sex) said there was a good chance I would be asked in the future to make a deal to write my biography.

The problem is, of course, my biography is not so exciting and nothing that I have done up until now has been significant enough to deserve documentation in a volume. Kim said that doesn't matter because everything written about anyone is dramatized anyway. Kim used the New Testament as an example.

So I start this week off thinking about the nouns of my life. Who, what and where did anything happen and why would a reader find it at all entertaining. Kim said that is too much thought about the subject. I have a feeling that I will be thinking about this all week, even though Kim said not to ponder the possibility of writing a biography until I get a call from a man whose name is either Renquist or Stankenfold.

I will fill you in on what happens if they call. Meanwhile, let's get the week started.

This weekend, have fun but please play by the rules. Here are the rules, in case you have lost track of the game:

1. Take three steps back if you land on a black space.
2. Do not roll your dice with sticky hands.
3. If you are the banker, give yourself an extra five hundred dollars and advance to St. Ho's Place.
4. Doubles don't count.
5. If you purchase a property, do an informercial.
6. Please don't eat the daisies.
7. Keep your opinions to yourself but never hold your tongue if you are on the witness stand.
8. Stay clear of all exploding objects.
9. Do not meditate if you have an upset stomach.
10. If you love someone, let them go. If they don't want to go, force them out.
11. Hide from the police.
12. Never skip a space when turning a corner, even if you rolled a double.
13. Do not pass the ball in a forward motion.
14. Wager wisely.
15. Carry your ID card with you at all times and if you are stopped and asked for identification, deny who you are at first. Then, when pressed at gunpoint, smile and take out your ID card, saying, "Only kidding" while searching for your keys.
16. Keep watching the skies.

Have a great one.

COTOLO CHRONICLES
9 p.m. EST, Thursday
http://www.Ampcast.com
http://www.kjagradio.com
http://www.indieradiolive.com
http://www.kubcradio.com
http://www.indiemusicxchange.com
http://www.planetradio.us
http://radio1.onsrn.com

On the Dec. 9 program, we should be talking about some copyright matters that have just hit the wall and stuck. Also, file sharers are getting some new and important support from a Pennsylvania court.

And, not last, not least and highly envigorating, we should be talking about two millionaire indies--one dead and one alive. That is, two artists who managed to get their own way with the powers that be and still produce the material they wanted and kept control over while they attracted a loyal audience over the years. Pre-digital stars here.

Oh yes, and what happened to Katie Dean? Well, we are trying to reach her again. As well, we have a scorching letter to a man with millions waiting for me overseas. Yes, another response to another email scam! This one is steamy, so put the kids to bed and put earmuffs on your mom.

All of this and more, even, from the web's fastest growing unique talk program. News, information, conversation and insubordination. A double dose of dynamite and two shakes of a molotov cocktail await everyone.

We have news. Brand spanking new news that is bound to shake the foundation of newsdom.

SRN Radio 1's Phillip B. Hong reports that in the Ontario-York region SRN Radio I "has decided to change the timeslot of Cotolo Chronicles. It will no longer be played at 8 p.m. ET/PT, but moved an hour later to 9 p.m. ET/PT.

"Seeking a local identity, SRN Radio 1 has also decided to drop our use of PT in our times; therefore, those who seek the show will be told that it will be played 9 p.m. ET Thursday nights and midnight Fridays.

"As well, York Region--Radio One has decided to add Cotolo Chronicles to our Saturday Midnight Snack after Phil Liz and Lucy at 11:20 p.m. ET."

Lionel Stevroid, spokeman for Cotolo at his parent company, Fat Tuesday Productions, said, "All excuses for missing Chronicles have disappeared. The network is thriving and Radio 1's new decision is proof that people from icecap to icecap are making this show the most listened web broadcast in the history of web broadcasts."

In other news, three men were arrested in Montovia, New York for playing spin the bottle.

Well, the weekend is upon us again and that means there will be time to catch up on my straw-counting duties. I have many bails of straw in the field and not a clue how many pieces are in each bail. I could pass up this chore but we got a few new additions to our chicken coop. Unfortunately one of them is a cobra and I don’t feel safe getting near it.

Living in a farm-like atmosphere is a lot like living on a farm. All that is missing is the hum of a tractor and maybe a few cows and perhaps a daughter named Skylight who is constantly keeping an eye out for traveling salesmen. But salesmen don’t travel as much as they used to and farmer’s daughters are rarely Swedish any longer, so the whole thing kind of balances in the long run.

Most of the weekend, however, will be spent avoiding any particular work and talking myself out of believing it is not too late to run away with the circus. That won’t be too hard, as a circus never passes through our small town and I cannot swallow fire. But it is December and that means brisk, cold air, bitter winds and evening chills, all of which are weather-related. This is good for the soul and in the black of a December night one can be sure that when the weekend wanes, Monday is ready to return and start the process of weekdays again, as it did the week before and the week before that. And we can all be glad we are not Nick Nolte and that no matter how bad the weather becomes next week, it was still worse to be in Nagasaki when we dropped the A-bomb.

So have a good weekend, my human comrades.

COTOLO CHRONICLES
9 p.m. EST, Thursday
http://www.Ampcast.com
http://www.kjagradio.com
http://www.indieradiolive.com
http://www.kubcradio.com
http://www.indiemusicxchange.com
http://www.planetradio.us
and 8 p.m. PST, Thursday
http://radio1.onsrn.com

It’s that time again and we are happy to add Planet Radio dot US to our list of affliate stations. This list is growing and some people at the World Health Organization (WHO) are beginning to worry. Still, we will be plowing the fields of your minds with a great show no matter what WHO says or who says what. So tune in and turn on, turn over and tumble and keep a fork in it.