Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Addressing the important questions about Christmas

Here are my answers to the fifteen questions that are being sent to everyone who has an email address on Christmas week.

1. Favorite Christmas song?
Camel Ye Faithfull.
2. Ham or turkey?
Death to them both.
3. Ever had roasted chestnuts?
Yes, from a vendor in New York City who picked his nose when giving you change for a dollar.
4. Favorite Christmas cartoon?
Bang The Little Drummer Boy Slowly.
5. Open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Which is which again?
6. Best Christmas ever?
That one in the manger.
7. Favorite pie?
Guy named Thom, lives in New England.
8. Cookies or carrots for Santa and his reindeer?
9. Fireplace for stockings?
Yeah, with the feet still in 'em.
10. What time do you get up Christmas morning?
Every year it is different. One year I got up at 4 a.m. because I had to vomit. Another year I got up late because I was alone and it didn't matter. I wouldn't have been alone, but the bitch left while I was asleep and made it another in a series of terrible one-night stands.
11. Garland or Icicles?
Judy in the sky with frozen ears.
12. Real or artificial tree?
Real tree, fake decorations.
13. Candy canes or fruitcake?
Let's leave your family out of this.
14. Ever had a white Christmas?
Once when we lived in Tennessee. Those crackers are boring folk.
15. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Crawling Eye

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