Cotolo Chronicles

The world of medicine has produced remarkable chemical acheivements that, as this sentence proves, allow us all to live with clarity and rid ouselves of anxiety and any number of maladies with the regular consumption of pills. So, being among the medicated, I want to share with you what new medications are being released soon, in case you are worried you have an illness that will eventually kill you. Here is the short list of new med names, their functions and possible side effects.

Zyclomar -- Chronic headaches can cause excessive shouting, especially when a member of Al Queda is present. With this new medicine, the normal stress headache is reduced to a slow and pleasant pounding that can also act as a metronome. Side effects include include runny nose, backaches, liver enlargement, pink eye, coughing and mild nausea that produces the desire to ride a unicycle.

Estacuraphane -- The throat can develop small modules often called Rubalonias. They are harmless except when singing in any other key but F. This medicine assures the modules will only grow in a harmless shape, not unlike that of the state of Utah, thus leaving ample space to swallow chunky food. Side effects include fever, nosebleeds, lack of hunger, lack of sex drive and the strength to move a wheelbarrow at 45 miles-per-hour.

Syntrax -- Heart disease has met its match with this medicine. Taken at the first sign of chest pain, this miracle medicine keeps the heart pumping regularly. It is so potent that if taken during an attack, the person would still be able to pole vault. Side effects include tunnel vision, bridge vision, elevator vision, a fear of women police, hair loss, toe loss, fingernail biting and the inability to enjoy a Charlton Heston movie.

Hastamine -- The thyroid gland has long been a mysterious acting part of the body. In fact, three cases reported in 1956 demonstrated that under certain conditions the thyroid gland developed its own will and walked out of the body, causing severe damage of the skin. When a thyroid becomes swollen a person can experience dire conditions, not unlike that of a cat with a tail trapped in the spokes of a bicycle. This medicine forces the thyroid to stay slim and functional, even inside the body of a trapeze artist. The medicine not only sooths the thyroid, it spells it differently. Under the medicine's control, the thyroid becomes the tyroyde and in some cases can keep the body alive as long as 56 hours after a heart has stopped beating. Side effects include indigestion, congestion, nausea at the drop of a hat, dizzy spells at the sound of a trumpet, excessive smoking, dry mouth, dry skin, dry eyes, growth of a moustache on odd parts of the body, unnecessary bank withdrawals and the belief that one can bend their legs in the opposite direction.